Happy Mother's Day 2019

A few years ago for french mother’s day/the day before our anniversary, Dave wrote me a simple, sweet note declaring a happy future Mother’s Day to me. 

This was before we knew that it wouldn’t just be an “okay now we’re ready and *voila* here is our pregnancy” story for us. 

The road to this year, my first Mother’s Day with a living being to whom I am mom, has been longer than some people’s and far shorter than others’. 

***(Life note: comparison gets us nowhere healthy, whether or not the comparison has us come out “on top”! The story being written with my life will not be the same as those around me because our Creator knits us individually and uniquely within our mothers’ wombs, and with purposes equally individual and unique. We’re not the product of a cookie cutter or a stack of color-by-numbers that vary a little but are basically the same - we’re the one-of-a-kind masterpieces of a God whose creativity knows no bounds. Let’s release the burden of unmerited pride and unwarranted discontent that come with comparison, shall we?)***

As our little man who’s made me a mom and I were showered with love yesterday (while his dad & friends were awesomely checking off physical to-do list tasks in and around home!), I was overwhelmed by such gratitude. For this season we’re living, and also those which came before. And for the people surrounding us, near and far. 

Mothering is not limited to those who have little (or grown) ones who know them as “mom.” I do not take for granted my precious mom and having her still with me. I do not take for granted having gained a mother-in-law whom I love. And I do not take for granted all of the other women who have mothered me throughout my life, sometimes for seasons, sometimes for the long haul. 

And I also feel the gratitude of the lessons I’ve been privileged to learn when God has put people in my story and asked me to mother them for a time. My son will have a far different experience with me as a mother because of each of my students, because of each of our nieces and nephews. 

What a day to celebrate! To celebrate the gift and responsibility of speaking life and love and maturity into the lives around us, to calling up and out the best in those whose stories intersect with ours, to protecting and nurturing while guiding and challenging.  

That is mothering. 

Happy Mother’s Day to each of you, whatever this looks like in your life 

Living Situated

Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples' feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him. 

John 13:3-5


This image of Jesus washing his disciples' feet is often talked about and understandably so. It came at a pivotal moment in his ministry, at a pivotal moment in his last meal with his closest companions, and leads to a direct exhortation by Jesus for those who follow him to do likewise.

Despite the familiarity of the passage and the scene, I was newly struck by something when I read these words yesterday. I was struck, not by the actions that he did, but by the description of what was on his mind as he rose to do them.

Jesus rose from his seat in order to give a powerful image of servant leadership, a radical picture of the topsy-turvy nature of the Kingdom he was ushering into the world. But his mind wasn't on the example he was giving, the leader that he was, the men looking up to him.

His mind was on his status before God the Father.

His mind was centered on the knowledge of what God was doing through the situation at present and to come.

His mind was founded on the knowledge of where he had come from and where he was going.

His mind was grounded in the surety of his place in the heart, hands, and plan of God.

He was living fully situated and confident in the purpose behind what he was doing. It's why he could sit at a table and speak calmly and clearly into the eyes of Judas, knowing that the betrayal was already in motion. It's why he could explain to Peter without judgment that fear of man was going to outweigh love for Jesus in just a few hours' time. It's why he could heal with care and without malice a centurion sent to arrest him. It's why he could stand silently in the face of his accusers without rising to his own defense with the Truth.

Because he was living, not for the reaction of the people around him, not for the labels that they would put on him, not for seeking to define himself by who he was in their eyes. He was living fully situated and confident in his identity as the Son of God. He knew who he was in the eyes of the Father and the love and the hatred of the world would not change it.

I realized, reading these words yesterday, that this is a pivotal lesson for me. When I look to my Savior for how to treat others and see him washing their feet - it is the situated heart behind this action that must be my example, not just the situated body. My attempts at servant leadership are nothing if they are not born of my heart and mind situated securely in my identity as a daughter of God.

All his assurance was in his place in the eyes of his Abba Father. Help me live this way, Lord.

Car même pour un seul Tu aurais tout donné - Easter

(newness of life)

Ô Dieu Rédempteur

Venu pour mon cœur

Malgré mes échecs, mon orgueil

Et sur cette colline

La lumière du monde 

Délaissée à l’obscurité 

Et quand Tu parles

Mes cents milliards d’échecs disparaissent 

Car Tu as échangé Ta vie pour la mienne

Par Ta victoire au tombeau j’ai la victoire

Je vois Ton cœur dans tout ce que Tu as fait

Tu nous tisses dans le chef-d’œuvre de Ton amour

Si Tu as tout donné

Je veux tout donner

Je vois Ton cœur sous huit milliards de facettes

Chacune un enfant si précieux à Tes yeux

Si Tu as choisi d’aimer

Je veux aimer

Comme Tu le referais cent milliards de fois

Mais qui pourrait mesurer Ton grand amour

Car même pour un seul

Tu aurais tout donné 

(last verse of "So Will I" by Hillsong United, translated by Hillsong Paris)

Holy Week. Good Friday. Resurrection Sunday. Christ’s Passion. 

Each year, there’s something new that Jesus focuses my heart or mind on - because every season is different, because He is engrossed in the process of sanctifying me and that takes time. 

In recent years I’ve been struck by how different our experience of these days is compared to the original followers of Jesus because we have never had to experience His crucifixion without knowing that His resurrection was coming, too. Our darkness has never been without the blazing light of hope. 

I was reminded last year, too, by a friend's well-stated post that we as Christians are not trying to deny the science of death by claiming that it’s normal for dead things to come back to life. In fact, it is the very opposite: we are declaring how exceptionnel it was that Jesus came back to life - that this understandably-hard-to-believe event is not consistent with the natural order of things. That therefore it must have been caused by Something outside of the natural order of things.   

This year, it is the end of this song that keeps sticking with me. We’ve sung it for weeks now and I love to worship through the whole thing, but the last verse reverberates so strongly. And the last line has choked me up every time. 

Disclaimer: I know that it was originally written in English, but I have only ever learned it in french. So in my head and heart I don’t know the original words, I only know the french words and my mind’s english translation of those words. So here is MY translation of the french, not the original english (we could go in circles and circles with languages!) 

Oh God Redeemer

came for my heart

despite my failures, my pride 

And on that hill

the light of the world

abandoned to obscurity

And when You speak 

my hundred billion failures disappear 

because You exchanged Your life for mine

By Your victory over the grave I have the victory

I see Your heart in all that You have done

You weave us in the masterpiece of Your love

If you gave everything 

I want to give everything 

I see your heart in eight billion facets

each one a child so precious in Your eyes

if You chose to love

I want to love

As You referenced it a hundred billion times

but who could measure Your great love

because even for only one

You would have given everything 

It is that last statement that has been opening my heart this year - for even one person, Jesus would have come and lived His life and died His death and shattered the power of death with His resurrection. 

The enormous love of God that is for ALL of humankind is also so very intimately personal. It’s not just that Jesus loves people. It’s that He loves you. And me. And the woman who lives upstairs with the cat. And the kid who can make life really difficult in class. And the cashier in checkout line #3 at the grocery. His all-encompassing love is also incredibly specific. 

I pray we will each feel that this Easter - that I will know the specificity of Jesus’s love and victory for me; that you will know it for you; that we will pray for this revelation to be in the heart of each person we know and love, each person we encounter. 💙

And if you’re not sure what I’m talking about, or you’re sure I’m crazy but are still curious, or anything else - reach out. To me or another Christian you know, or try going to a local church this weekend to learn more. This love is specifically for you. 💙

french people have hearts, too/that time I got sick at the grocery...

French people tend to have a bad rep when it comes to interpersonal interactions. Even other french folks have described their fellow countrymen as cold, distant, unwelcoming...

In general, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and rise up in their defense when I can, so even though I've had my moments here and there of bruised feelings after various interactions with people, here are a few of my people-can-be-so-kind moments to share:

•  The two women who work at the post office - one of them spent time talking me through the whole process of which envelopes were required, which ones would be best, which ones wouldn't cost an arm and a leg, which ones would actually be safest/most likely to be delivered in one piece, when I came in with questions based on the instructions I had to follow for sending off and receiving back Dave's renewed passport. The other woman was the one who patiently helped me through the above process once I actually had everything I needed the next week because the first visit had just been a reconnaissance mission. (And do not just chalk this up to good customer service! Customer service does not look the same here as it does in the states...)

•  The couple strangers nearby when I wiped out on a bike a few months ago - thankfully I was uninjured, but they both came over to make sure (ça va?? Oui, ça va, merci. vous êtes sûr?? Oui, merci beaucoup!). I do know others who haven't had the same experience when they've had bike mishaps, so thanks to those kind folks.

•  The secretary at the doctor I saw this morning - I do not expect people to bend over backwards to help when confronted with my still-less-than-ideal-though-improving french, so I truly appreciated her patience and clarity as she spoke slowly, wrote notes/used her hands to support her words, let me repeat what I thought I'd understood her tell me and kindly correct my misunderstandings. While it wasn't a lot, she took extra time for me without making me feel like a burden. What a gift!

And then the most dramatic example so far, and the inspiration for this post:

• The employees and fellow shoppers at the grocery store a couple weeks ago - I hadn't been feeling great for most of the day, but was feeling better and needed to go to the store to get ingredients for the dessert I planned to make that night for a game night and for a baby shower the next day. So I walked the 15 minutes to the grocery and was starting to pick my way through the produce section when I started feeling funny again - took off my coat to try to cool down, popped in a peppermint (my mom's sure-fire way to alleviate any type of nausea), and continued walking around. I'd made it to the apples when I determine that it was too late for the peppermint to help and there's a good chance I'm going to pass out and WHAT DO I DO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A GROCERY AND WHERE DO I SIT AND UH OH.... Thankfully, I spotted an employee about ten feet away putting produce onto the refrigerated shelves. I make it over to him and manage some combination of french that communicates that I don't feel well and is there anywhere I can sit down. Precious man reaches down and shoves a bunch of cauliflower out of the way on the bottom shelf and helps me perch there. He is joined by a sixty-something year old precious fellow shopper who starts stroking my head and checking my pulse. They are both asking me questions which I'm trying to process and answer in french while I'm increasingly about to pass out so my eyesight and hearing are both clouding over. Somehow I manage to communicate this and precious woman helps me to the floor. I think at this point precious man has gone off to get a glass of water. Precious woman is still trying to find my pulse and then I realize I'm going to vomit which thankfully I was able to communicate ("to vomit" is vomir in french...definitely a helpful cognate!), so then precious woman picks up one of my empty produce bags and holds it for me, stroking my hair, while I throw up. Seriously, she wins Stranger of the Year Award! Whatever stomach bug/food poisoning it was was satisfied then thankfully and the potential of passing out dissipated. So with the fog lifted from my eyesight and hearing, I was able to see the several other kind fellow shoppers who had gathered to see if they could help and hear their questions and actually comprehend the french - have you eaten today? Yes are you pregnant? No are you diabetic? No do you have heart problems? No...etc etc. Precious man returned with water and to say he had called the pompiers to come. Precious woman explained that I'd vomited and was starting to feel better, and I explained that I didn't think I needed an ambulance. Precious man called them back to explain the situation and we all allowed as how, if I continued to get better, they didn't need to come. But precious man was not at all willing for me to walk home by myself. Thankfully we have friends who live nearby who I could call and they were able to come meet me. Once they were on route and I was continuing to feel better, precious woman said goodbye and went off to do her shopping, leaving me in the care of precious man (François, because by this time I can read his nametag on his uniform) who did not leave me until I was safely in the care of Tim and Paula, and who assured me that it had not been an inconvenience at all and to go home and rest. He wins my Monoprix Employee of the Year Award! I haven't seen him again yet, but I hope to so I can show him I'm better 😊

So anyways, y'all. It may not be like living in the South over here (maybe more like the Northeast 😉), but kindness is beautiful and it does exist! All over!

When I told this story briefly to a french friend (who went to university in Ohio) yesterday while we were discussing the differences in customer service/people's interactions here versus the states, his response was "well, yeah, I mean they still have hearts" - which is, of course, true. 

But I think it's worth paying special attention to. In fact, maybe it's even easier in a culture that's less warm-and-fuzzy/more cold-and-prickly at it's base to notice and be touched by the moments where people show us their hearts. Those are moments not to miss! 

And hopefully moments that we create in the lives of others, too. I pray we'll all go show our hearts today to someone who may need it 💙

daily a bride

I wrote this as a guest blurb for Emily's blog. Check her out at her website here! Her new newsletter will be up in a few days...

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So your friend and wedding photographer is coming for a visit and she asks you if while she's there you'd be up for getting back into your wedding dress to take some pictures. Obvious answer: "um...HECK YES!"

I knew that it was tucked away in the guest room, having made the trek across the ocean still carefully wrapped up in the box from the dry cleaners that I hadn't touched since getting it back after the wedding. Thankfully I could still wriggle into it, despite now living in the land of delicious baguettes!

Honestly, I'd anticipated feeling a little funny being all alone in front of the camera - not being a part of a pair, having someone to interact with - but rather just me, alone and exposed. But that was not the case at all! I've loved watching through social media as Emily has been learning, growing, honing, stretching her craft, and I'd already been able to experience it on her visit as I played being her "assistant" while she did shoots with some friends of ours. And her skills were equally evident as she guided me and put me at ease for this solo night --

Our wandering shoot itinerary was taking the funiculaire up the hill to the Roman amphitheatre, playing there for a while, walking up to the Notre Dame de Fourvière basilica, playing there for a while, walking down the hill through the gardens and stairways, playing along the way, and strolling home through Vieux Lyon's cobblestone streets. And "playing" is the best word I have to describe the night - just climbing onto and off of and into and around all sorts of old stone pieces at the amphitheatre; twirling and running around the courtyard of the basilica; smacking myself in the face after trying to look artsy with some branches...it was all just such fun, playing and laughing with my friend - who, by the way, was giving me great guidelines/instructions/suggestions so that I could know what to do instead of getting lost in that "alone and exposed" funny feeling that I'd anticipated but that never materialized.

I didn't have bridal portraits done before our wedding - just wasn't really my thing or something I cared to do - but I will say that, whether or not you did portraits beforehand, I highly recommend something like this after the fact! Now we have all of these beautiful photos of me that involved doing all sorts of things that would certainly not have been as fun and playful if I'd been thinking about keeping my dress clean or unmussed, etc. Heck, my dress still has a tear in the floofy-under-dress part from the grand ol' time I had at our reception ;) What a joy it was to get to wriggle back into this dress full of great memories and then play in it to make some more, worry-free.

And, certainly, it's something that is to-each-their-own, but I kind of love looking through these images and seeing the differences from the wedding day itself... We didn't do everything exactly the same - my hair is cut so it is different, we decided not to worry about my turquoise heels and some of the jewelry, it was chilly so we added my leather jacket...

You can see the passage of time and, for me, even more so the passage of life: that night was in a different piece of the world than our wedding, I spoke a different language to the people we bumped into, I had different things on my mind...

So I am grateful to have had this fun silly night with Emily, and now grateful to have these images. Time is passing, life is changing, I now own a leather jacket(!)...but I am still Dave's bride, covenanted to him in joy, dancing and twirling that night before an audience of only the One who witnesses each of the moments of our marriage when Emily isn't around to document them...

Just precious to have these images to remind me that, while I don't wear my wedding dress every day (alas!), I am daily a bride - to my Dave and to the Lord.

*all the photo credit to Emily Frazier Creative !

Grace Alone

Because God is faithful to respond to prayer (even when you are sometimes half-hearted about them and a little scared of them being answered) and often in unexpected/unlooked for ways, I've been having the opportunity recently to have weekly discussions with some folks regarding our different beliefs about who God is; the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus; our different Scriptures, etc.

I've been grateful to process these conversations with some others, and would love to talk more about any of this with any of you if you're interested, but the one thing I really wanted to share here is how much these conversations have caused me to reflect back on my own testimony and to just glory in the wonder of how far the Lord has brought me.

I don't have a testimony that has ever seemed like much because it's not dramatic on the outside - I wasn't saved out of drugs or alcoholism or any of the things that the world looks at and says "woah, hang on now..." Which I think is part of why it took me so long to really get the gospel -- I wasn't saved from the burden of lots of "badness"...

I was saved from the burden of my "goodness"

I knew and believed who Jesus was from a young age, was thrilled to be baptized by immersion on Easter Sunday at my home church, loved everything about being involved at church, in the choir, camps, mission trips...the whole kit and kaboodle.

I was the epitome of the "good girl." Didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't swear (except occasionally during field hockey games #confessions), didn't sleep with my boyfriend (as though not crossing that line doesn't still leave the opportunity for plenty of regrets), loved my parents, loved my friends, was the mom of the friend group looking out for everyone, participated in Bible study and knew the "right" answers...

I knew Jesus loved me and so I was going to do everything right to make sure I deserved it!

At least on the outside, the things that I knew people could see and expected of me and I should be doing - so say all the nice things but don't worry about the judgmental thoughts in my head and heart or the gossiping with just one friend here or there; don't have sex but don't worry about the other stuff that nobody has to know about and all the lust in my head; and it's pretty easy to not smoke or drink or swear when you just don't try to be real friends with "those" people because, you know, your lives are just so different...

I lived my bubble life mostly contentedly until sophomore year of college when the bubble popped and the sand of my own ability to always get it right crumbled as the foundation of my faith.

And thank the Lord that he was right there with me -- through friends, through the Word, through his Spirit -- ready for me to finally receive his explanation to me of what his grace really means:

I love you.

Not because you try really hard and act "good".

I love you because you are mine.

Mine! 

I see what you hide from others - the things that no one else can know

and I love you and claim you as mine.

You can't earn this.

You could work yourself to exhaustion every day and not have "done" enough to earn this.

Let go of that burden.

Don't worry that I'll leave you where you are,

you know yourself and you're right that you're broken,

you're right that you have growing to do

but you don't have to do it yourself!

If you will just let yourself be hidden up in Jesus

and just seek to love me

and to know me

I will change you.

I won't stop the work I've started in you,

and you could never guess where I'll take you anyway

so why are you fighting so hard to do what you think is right?

My plan is so much bigger than yours --

I just need you to finally trust me enough to believe me about grace...

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I still relapse sometimes - into legalism, into believing it is works-based righteousness...but it is getting more rare.

Because oh the life-changing FREEDOM that is grace in Jesus.


*I wanted to share this song that is just it for me right now - spot on, yes.

This is a cover of the original, but it's my favorite version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Z2on2bhXOY  (if the link doesn't work, search "King's Kaleidoscope Grace Alone" on youtube)

Here are the lyrics:

I was an orphan, lost at the fall; Running away when I'd hear you call, But Father, you worked your will.

I had no righteousness of my own I had no right to draw near your throne, But Father, you loved me still. And in love, before you laid the world's foundation, You predestined to adopt me as your own. You have raised me up so high above my station; I'm a child of God by grace, and grace alone You left your home to seek out the lost; You knew the great and terrible cost But Jesus, your face was set. I worked my fingers down to the bone; But nothing I did could ever atone, But Jesus, you paid my debt. By your blood I have redemption and salvation. Lord you died that I might reap what you have sown, And you rose that I might be a new creation. I am born again by grace, and grace alone. I was in darkness all of my life, I never knew the day from the night, But Spirit, you made me see. I swore I knew the way on my own; Head full of rocks, a heart made of stone But Spirit, you moved in me. And at your touch my sleeping spirit was awakened; On my darkened heart the light of Christ has shone. Called into a kingdom that cannot be shaken; Heaven's citizen by grace, and grace alone. So I'll stand in faith by grace, and grace alone I will run the race by grace, and grace alone I will slay my sin by grace, and grace alone I will reach the end by grace, and grace alone

Amen and glory to Jesus for the work that he has done and is continuing!

*as I mentioned towards the beginning, I'd love to talk to you if any of this makes you wonder, question, or just want to chat. 

Love to each of you!

People are precious

People are precious. A truly necessary part of life. Whether your personality type has you needing a whole bunch or just a couple, you need someone.

Slow down a minute and think about how precious somebody or lots of somebodies are in your life - big moments or little moments - consider the moments that wouldn't have been the same or possible or accomplished without the somebodies in your life.

I'm reminded of how precious people are, how created for community we are...

...when I get to spend a week of quality time with friends who invested the time and resources and time off to come visit this side of the world;

...when we don't get home until 6pm from lunch after church because new friends take the time to sit around laughing and sharing and teaching us french;

...when texting with my brother-in-law as he grieves his dear papa moving from this life into eternity;

...when I don't realize that facetiming with my family for father's day will include seeing friends I haven't hugged in a year and a half, and the unexpectedness and wonderfulness of seeing them causes me to weep (I mean, really, ugly crying happened) for wishing I was there in person;

...when my four year-old nephew ruins the surprise of a package because he doesn't understand that mail takes time so he immediately asks me if I've "eaten the treats that aren't allowed in France" yet :) (don't worry - "not allowed" is apparently how's he's understood his mom when she said they can't be found in France);

...when a friend in my still-feels-new life knows me well enough to recognize when my "I'm fine" is a little off;

...when praying constantly in the waiting as dear friends are at the hospital laboring for their baby girl;

...when Jesus keeps after the slow process of making me more aware of the people around who just want someone to talk to, just need some interaction with another person - because they need to remember they're precious...

People are so very precious - don't take them for granted. Every day there are more stories of lives lost - whether accidents, sickness, the brokenness of people tearing at the lives of other people - why waste a minute of not remembering how much you treasure the everyday people in your life?

Take the 15 seconds to send the text just saying hi.
Make the tiny effort to make eye contact, smile, and say hello to the person you find in front of you: the cashier, the other person waiting for the elevator or the bus, the dog owner with the same walking route, the neighbor at the mailbox, wherever!
Call the friend who keeps crossing your mind and you just keep forgetting to actually reach out - the Spirit puts people on our hearts for a reason, maybe they need to hear your voice :)

Everyone needs to know they're seen, they're recognized, they're precious. Why not take the moment to remind them?

The worst thing that can happen is they don't respond - that's okay, maybe they're busy, or didn't hear you, or don't know how to respond. No harm, no foul - just keep on doing you.

The best thing that can happen is you make a day. You probably won't even know you did. But they will know - they will remember that they are precious.

Go make somebody's day :)